MOMENTS TO REMEMBER — Tina Louise … 5 ways to bring friendship back into marriage (January 30, 2012 / 6 Shevat 5772) …..item 2.. A practical plan to forge a new beginning — “Is now a good time?” (February 10, 2012 / 17 Shevat 5772) …

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MOMENTS TO REMEMBER — Tina Louise … 5 ways to bring friendship back into marriage (January 30, 2012 / 6 Shevat 5772) …..item 2.. A practical plan to forge a new beginning — “Is now a good time?” (February 10, 2012 / 17 Shevat 5772) …


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1. Accept Your Soul mate…We destroy our relationship when we keep on imagining how much better things would be ‘if only.’ ‘If only I would’ve married my college sweetheart’, ‘If only I would’ve ended up with someone more attractive’, ‘If only I would’ve said yes to that successful doctor’. This type of thinking does not allow us to see our spouse as our best friend. Instead we keep envisioning how life would be better with someone else. How can we possibly feel fulfilled if we think we’ve made the biggest mistake of our lives?

Let’s stop thinking that we’d be happier spending our lives with another person and start concentrating on how we could make our days complete with our soul mate.

……..***** All images are copyrighted by their respective authors ……..
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…..item 1)…. aish.com … Happy Together … 5 ways to bring friendship back into marriage.

January 30, 2012 / 6 Shevat 5772
by Slovie Jungreis-Wolff

www.aish.com/f/m/Happy_Together.html

Ashton Kutscher tweeted: “Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and light, AK “.

Ouch. Is a failed marriage that simple?

I recently read an article on Yahoo: ‘5 Ways to Know Your Relationship Is Over’. It spoke about couples who enjoy socializing with others instead of each other, spouses who seem disinterested in each other’s lives, and husbands and wives who have stopped communicating.

Why wait for our relationship to nosedive? Who wants to wake up one day and realize that their marriage is in trouble? Too often we live in dull, lackluster marriages and just try to make the best of it. It’s like living with a chronic condition that wears you down with nagging aches and pains.

It is crucial for each person to have a partner in life with whom we can grow. One who can share hopes and fears. A companion who will encourage us, strengthen us and enable us to get through life’s darkest moments. Isn’t this the definition of a true friend?

Who should this person be if not your spouse? Let us try to bring friendship back into our marriages and move away from having a working relationship where we just speak about problems, bills, and what to do with the kids.

—–1. Accept Your Soul mate

We destroy our relationship when we keep on imagining how much better things would be ‘if only.’ ‘If only I would’ve married my college sweetheart’, ‘If only I would’ve ended up with someone more attractive’, ‘If only I would’ve said yes to that successful doctor’. This type of thinking does not allow us to see our spouse as our best friend. Instead we keep envisioning how life would be better with someone else. How can we possibly feel fulfilled if we think we’ve made the biggest mistake of our lives?

Let’s stop thinking that we’d be happier spending our lives with another person and start concentrating on how we could make our days complete with our soul mate.

—–2. Keep the Spark Alive

A common Jewish blessing for a newly married couple is that they ‘build a true home within our people’. A home must be built to endure. Good marriages don’t just happen. It takes sweat, pain and perseverance. Relationships require hard work and effort. Friendship in marriage means that we are loyal to each other. We don’t knock dreams or fears. We believe in one another.

It becomes easy to lose the spark with the daily pressures of life. We stop trying. We forget to make an effort and slowly let ourselves go. We don’t go out often. We walk around our home in torn sweats and dirty t-shirts. We don’t have dinner together. We begin taking each other for granted.

We would not treat a special friend this way, so why would we care less for our spouse?

Related Article: 5 Ways to Keep Your Love Alive

—–3. A Kindness a Day

What was the last nice thing you did for your partner? We are there for our kids, running around trying to find the latest and most popular gadget that they want. If one of our children requests a special snack or meal, we make it happen. What about doing something special for our spouse? A day should not pass without giving from our hearts to let our spouse know that we care.

This includes little favors or even a compliment and encouraging word. And it does not require money. A husband I know recently gave his wife a birthday present she will forever remember. He took all three children for the entire day, (baby and diapers included), and told his wife to take the day off.

A hot cappuccino, a sweet text that says ‘I love you’ are just two little examples that fill a person with a sense of being cared for and cherished. I can still recall my father preparing the morning paper for my mother each day. If there was anything that he knew my mother would find interesting or important, he would underline it in black magic marker. Next to the paper would be a cut up grapefruit set on a dish.

These little acts of kindness fill a home with love.

—–4. Be a Peacemaker

True friends never hold onto anger. When we latch onto hurts and conflicts from yesterday we are unable to live peacefully today. We must learn to let go. When there are little arguments and bickering almost every day, our relationship curdles like spoiled milk. That which we once found nourishing and delicious now turns our stomachs.

Of course it is not easy to be a peacemaker. How can we work on being a less argumentative partner?

Act. Don’t react.

Never speak in anger.

Stop talking. Stop defending yourself. Start listening and digest your partner’s words.

Seek out compromise instead of confrontation.

Try not to get into silly arguments

Remember, there are no winners when there is fighting in a home.

—–5. Protect Your Privacy

We have become used to spilling our lives out for all to see on Facebook. Never expose your private life or the intimacy of your relationship for others to digest and dissect. Your marriage is considered holy. Your relationship is to be guarded like a precious diamond. Taking your marriage public degrades the sanctity and commitment that bonds husband and wife.

Think about the feelings of a newly married wife whose husband wrote on his Facebook page:

“First fight. Marriage is not what I expected
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…..item 2)… aish.com …. 5 Steps to Save Your Marriage … A practical plan to forge a new beginning.

February 10, 2012 / 17 Shevat 5772
by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin

www.aish.com/f/m/5_Steps_to_Save_Your_Marriage.html

If your marriage is in crisis, the task of salvaging the relationship may appear daunting. In my experience of working with countless couples on the verge of relationship disaster, I have identified five proven steps to turn things around:

……1) Commit.

While it may appear obvious, the couples that do not make it are usually those not committed to making their marriage work. When you make the decision to commit, you have decided to put in the hard work that is needed to save your marriage. When you waver and think about what it would be like if you married someone else or how you wish your life would be different, you are usually not able to generate enough momentum to push forward and repair the relationship.

When deciding whether or not to commit, be aware of the consequences divorce can have on your children and your finances.

Also, realize that it takes two to tango and that finding someone better is not necessarily a cure-all, as we will likely have issues in future relationships.

Finally, recognize how the particular challenges of your marriage are growth opportunities for you and your spouse, and that there are ways for you to transform this conflict into connection. (Of course, this does not apply to abusive relationships.)

……2) Seal your exits.

Couples in crisis are often focused everywhere but their marriage. It’s so painful, who can blame them?

Even if we are physically married, many of us have "checked out."

An essential step to bringing the energy back into the relationship is to seal your exits. This means thinking about the various activities where we focus our inner resources and whether they have become substitutes for the look of excitement and fulfillment in marriage. Besides the obvious (often-fatal) exits of infidelity and substance abuse, here are a few common exits that we may find ourselves doing:

Work
Exercise
Overeating
Facebook
Taking care of the kids

While many of these activities may be harmless, if one of the reasons you are doing them is to avoid spending time with your spouse, it may just be an exit. Become aware of how you may be exiting the relationship, and begin to close those exits by putting more energy where it needs to be.

……3) Detox your marriage.

Eliminate all name-calling, finger-pointing, blaming, and shaming. A toxic relationship cannot thrive. Angry outbursts chip away at the love and trust that a couple has for each other. Instead, take ownership for your feelings and frustration by focusing on why your spouse’s actions disturb you. Replace the "you" of "you always do this" with "I” – "how I felt when…"

Finally, learn to ask for what you want. It’s so easy to complain that we often forget what it is we are missing. Rather than focusing on how your spouse ignores you, share how badly you crave his love and attention.

Not only does detoxing your marriage help remove the poison from your relationship, it will make your spouse much more amenable to meeting your needs.

Related Article: Putting Marriage First

……4) Enter the world of the other.

One of the painful realizations that married people discover is that “my spouse is not me.” In order to make room for the other, it is critical to learn how to acknowledge that your spouse may see the world very differently than you.

Get into the habit of asking, "Is now a good time?"

We do that by learning how to communicate more safely. When we talk, we want to connect and make sure our spouse hears us. Get into the habit of asking, "Is now a good time?" instead of dumping a verbal assault. If the goal is to connect, make sure your spouse is mentally and emotionally available to connect.

The second step occurs when we listen. Try to enter the other’s world by listening and understanding without responding or interjecting. Although in your world, things may look entirely different, be curious and interested in what your partner is saying. You may be surprised what you discover.

Couples are so often caught up in their own world that is hard to make sense of the other’s experience. In successful relationships, both partners are allowed to express their own feelings safely and can work together to bridge the gap between their worlds.

……5) Love infusions.

Working on any relationship is challenging, especially so when you are trying to rescue one in crisis.

That’s why it is crucial to infuse your relationship with loving behaviors that promote positive energy.

These love infusions help lighten things and add fun:

a. Appreciations – The best way to decrease resentment and reinforce positive behavior is by expressing appreciations. When we share what we like about our spouse, we begin to focus on what is right in the relationship, and our partner feels that his efforts are valued. More than a simple thank you, sit down with your spouse, look into her eyes, tell her what you appreciate about her, and why it means so much to you.

By spending a few minutes a day on this exercise, you can break through a lot of negativity.

b. Date night – Even if you’ve been married for 40 years, you still need to date your spouse. Make a set time once a week where you go out together and enjoy each other’s company. Whether it means going for dinner or a walk in the park, take this time to enjoy face-to-face connection. By making a fixed appointment, you will show each other that the marriage is a priority.

c. Caring behaviors – Love is a verb. We demonstrate care for a spouse when we perform loving behaviors. Every individual is different, so it is important to find out from your spouse what types of behaviors make him/her feel cared for. Ask him/her to write a list of behaviors that s/he particularly appreciates, and try to do one caring behavior each day.

When we act lovingly we not only stimulate our own love for our spouse; we awaken their love for us as well. And with these concrete behavioral changes occurring, we show that the relationship can indeed be different.

If your marriage is falling apart, these five steps provide you with a clear path out of the darkness and a new beginning for your relationship journey. With these five steps, couples have been able to reawaken love and enjoy each other again. Even if your situation seems hopeless, don’t give up. A better future is closer than you think.

Excerpted from Rabbi Slatkin’s new book, Is My Marriage Over: The Five Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage (available for download at www.theRelationshipRabbi.com/is-my-marriage-over)
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